anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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