Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
