It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
