Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
