Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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