Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
