I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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