dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
