Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
