i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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