I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
