u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
