so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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