So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
