I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
