Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
