this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
