don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
