was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
