at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
