So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
