WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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