The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
