The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
