Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
