Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize