That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
