1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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