Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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