he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
