She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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