you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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