oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
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we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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