I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
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My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
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I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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