I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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