Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
