omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
