You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
