My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
