It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
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just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
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Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza