If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
