When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
