You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
