Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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