I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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