Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
