Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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