It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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