In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
