Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Fuck appropriateness.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
