OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
