thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
