you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
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woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
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She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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