need another drink. this is the easiest way
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
