Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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