my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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