the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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