i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
