The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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